this might be a verbal throw-up, but i just wanted to get it out there.

i really need to find my place. i feel as though i am a late-bloomer. or perhaps a never-bloomer. late because it hasn’t happened yet, but perhaps never for the same reason. other people are quicker in their search or their quest to find who they are. i know who i am, i am grounded. i am diana. i am me. but in my goals in my career and ultimately, the life i call my own. i need to make sure wherever i am is not some career purgatory or earthly stalemate. it needs to be more than that. i need to be worth it. and worth more. it isn’t often, perhaps never, that one is in a so-called “perfect” situation. and if we spend all of our time complaining and bickering, we only are doing a disservice to our future selves. why? because we have in our hands the key to our future. it is in our efforts that we can achieve greater (or not). i seem to have the key in my hand, shake it waveringly- since i am scared of utter and complete exhaustion and lung failure for that matter-, and am listening to the thoughts of others that ultimately pollutes my own intentions. that pollution goes through and into my brain and comes out as what i thoguht was my own intention. but in reality, i need to just focus and work on becoming the WHOLE 100% of what diana yang is. who diana yang is. what she is capable of. its only in these few moments of utter clarity that we can push ourselves and allow for some concrete plan to be made. its up to me, God-willing, to put the plan into action. I guess what I am saying is that i need God’s help to allow me to continue and work to my fullest me. i want that. i think that’s what He wants of me.

on another note (after a bag of flaming hots & grapes & a huge bag of chocolate covered donuts).... is coffee bad for you? i think i’m addicted. otherwise i’m dying. and i’m really unhappy about eating these days. all i do is look at food and i gain a good 7,8 lbs over the weekend. wtf?

i have this insatiable hunger for all things great.

things that make me happy: biking, cookies- warm, gooey, chocowalnut cookies, hot crunchy and soft french bread, butter, lemon cookies, california-style salads thick with all kinds of lettuce, avocado, nuts, cranberries, feta/blue cheese, and a light vinaigrette. finishing a task, getting more than 6 hours of sleep, someone making me genuinely laugh from my innards, really good sashimi, sunny but cool, crisp days, random e-mails from loved ones, hugs, really great music.

things i hate: really bad korean ?? food that i pay 10-15 us$ for every day for lunch. it tastes like shit and msg and makes me want to hurl my insides at the people i’m eating with. but its my sacrifice to try to get to know the folks that work downstairs in my building. oh. the things you’ll do to make friends. *shakes head*